By Gretchen Franks
Navigator Staff

Not long after getting married, I understood some things with greater clarity. One primary eye-opener was that a healthy and God-honoring marriage truly does take work!

As young married couples, we can’t deny the richness of having a mate. We praise God for answering our sincere desire for such a companion. As someone a few years ahead of you, I would like to share a few things that were imperative for my husband Ken and me as we started our marriage and desired a strong and rewarding relationship.

Build together spiritually

When Ken and I were engaged, I idealized how I would spiritually bond with Ken. Maybe we would wake and read Scripture together. Or we might take a leisurely walk and check one another on our verses that we each had memorized. However, somewhere in the engagement process, and certainly after we wed, I realized that these were not quite Ken’s idea of us building together spiritually! Nor were they realistic.

Each couple has their own idea of what building spiritually looks like. For Ken and me, we knew what could fit with our schedules was to commit to pray together every night before bed. We also had a quiet time together once a week. During those times, Scripture memory came in, or we enjoyed more in-depth talks of what we were learning.

In wanting to build together spiritually, doing these few things also fueled our desire to find opportunities to get away together as life got more preoccupied, and later when our son was born.

Learn to love their way

Hands down, the way I desire to receive love is through touch and acts of service. Gary Chapman talks about these and other “love languages” in The Five Love Languages. It is also as natural as the setting sun for me to show Ken love in these same ways. However, what a giant surprise when I discovered that Ken can experience touch or acts of service all day long and not feel loved!

Ken’s “love language” differs from mine. I discovered that my husband feels love when someone asks deep, penetrating questions that draw him out. He appreciates my initiative in this. However, asking him questions like that was about as natural to me as writing with my left hand. Or maybe writing with my feet.

I determined to be an A-plus student of the ways that my husband feels and receives love, and to offer him love in those ways. As that happened, Ken accepted my love more openly and felt it more deeply. The same is true when he expresses love to me in ways that communicate to me.

Each of us translates being loved in many personal ways. Learn your mate’s personal twists to being loved well. Work at making it a habit to love your mate in those ways. It may not come naturally. That’s okay. The habits will likely become rich to you in time as well.

We love Jesus because He first loved us. In a similar way, as we first love our mate, it reciprocates in full cycle again and again.

Be vulnerable and let God dig

A year into our marriage, God revealed one of my core fears – I was afraid of being an inadequate wife. Ideally, I thought a great wife should be certain things. I struggled with the lie of being lazy as compared to what other wives accomplished. I confessed this. God began to teach me more truth about who I am in Him. Then, shortly after that time, Ken started to label me as “lazy” in his heart, for similar reasons.

That was hard to hear. But God had already begun working on me so the sting was minimized a little. Otherwise, my wounded image of myself as “lazy” would have been “confirmed” as true. Easily, I would have pulled into my shell and hid.

By God’s sweet redemptive love, I was already working on this and hearing Him speak to me. I gave those hurtful words to God and forgave Ken more quickly. Ken also came humbly to God and to me. He confessed and broke the power of that name before it became a stronger tie to his heart, and before it built a wedge in our relationship. When Ken did that, it freed me up to move with God in that area of fear even more powerfully.

Instead of bringing death in our marriage, there was incredible life! It was as Hosea 10:12 says, “Sow with a view to righteousness, Reap in accordance with kindness.”

Get post-marital counsel

Our friends and mentors Mike and Nancy said they could do three sessions of pre-marital counseling with us, and three sessions post-marriage. It only took a month of marriage for us to ask for our first post-marital counsel. After our third session, we pleaded for more as needed. They chuckled realizing that we better understood the importance of getting help and counsel after you get married.

Ken and I are opposites – introvert and extrovert. We knew this would be an issue in our relationship, and we needed more assistance to think through helps for us. We are grateful that Mike and Nancy walked through this and other hard issues with us. Work schedules, life, and responsibilities can become consuming, so I encourage you to get a marriage “check up,” even if you think you are doing okay. Guard against a situation creeping into a hard issue.

May these tips benefit you as they have us. Also, it is always a good reminder to hear one another’s perspective. Be encouraged as you protect and work at your marriage in the midst of letting God use you in sweet ways in one another’s lives and in the lives of others. I John 4:7 says it well, “Let us love one another, for love is from God.” May He bless you richly in your marriage.