By Arica Heintz
Navigator Grad (Colorado State University)

You may have already experienced that dating post-college has several different realities than dating in college. It might also seem daunting, impossible, or evoke bitter feelings. Maybe dating and the area of love have tested your faith more than you bargained for.

While in college, you and I were surrounded by hundreds of peers. There were plenty of options for fellowship and community. You and I could relate to most people we came into contact with since we were all students pursuing the same goal: to graduate. Now, however, after graduating the “pickings” are not as vast anymore. Maybe now your direct community has narrowed to your family members or co-workers who are not your age. And if it also seems the dating pool has shrunk or is non-existent, it can be extremely easy to become discouraged.

Whatever situation you are in, here are a few biblical, eye-opening principles to help when pursuing a romantic relationship after college.

Keep Christ the Center

In Matthew 6:33, Jesus told His followers, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” This does not mean that life will be perfect. Nor will God just give His children all things they ask for. However, one key principle is that when Christ is the center of our life – when we genuinely seek Him first – “the rest” will come in time.

Jesus commands us not to worry about our basic needs – food, drink, and clothing. So, if God promises that these basics are taken care of for those who seek Him first, then be assured that He has already taken care of your dating life and future spouse!

I envision Matthew 6:33 like being on a dirt path, or a running trail that winds through the wooded mountains. While you run or bike, staying on the trail almost guarantees that you will come to a nice clearing or perhaps a waterfall or the summit! However, veering off the trail dramatically increases the likelihood of getting lost, hurt, or encountering dangerous wildlife. The same is true for dating. Veering off God’s path – outside of His guidance and His will – often leads to getting lost, hurt, and harmed. But as we run on His trail, pursuing God and His kingdom first, we are within His protection because He is working for the good of those who love Him. This ultimately leads you to the “all things” that Jesus talks about.

There is no guarantee in the cliché, “Once you stop looking for someone to date and just pursue God, then bam! here comes your future spouse.” However, Jesus teaches that as we seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, He’ll take care of “all things” in His time.

Find Community and Fellowship

Maybe you’ve heard enough talk and read enough books, and you just want a practical step to take with dating in your twenties. Hebrews 10:24-25 sums it up: “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together . . . but let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” In other words, it is vital to our survival as 20-something Christians to be in fellowship and community with like-minded believers. It is also a great way to meet people!

Many of my friends complain, “There is no one to date.” “I haven’t met anyone my age worth dating.” That may be true. But that also makes me wonder, how and where do you spend your free time? Do you work all day and go straight home every night? Do you only go out to dinner with your same three roommates? Are you involved in a church, Bible study, or small group? Depending on your answers, it may be time for a change!

Try the following:

• Join a church in your area that has a population of 20-somethings
• Join a co-ed small group
• Volunteer at an organization that you are passionate about
• Join a sports team, running club, dinner club, book club, etc.
• Be open to meeting new people that your friends or family introduce
• Go on a missions trip or help with an outreach event

If these ideas push you out of your comfort zone then that is good! Just because we are out of college doesn’t mean we should get out of the habit of meeting together with others.

Do Not Rush Love

We’re all aware of how our society and media begs for our attention. They try to stir our interest to date casually, “hook up,” and meet people at bars. They want us to never settle down or commit to a relationship, let alone marriage. On the other hand, perhaps your family pressures you to date. Maybe your friends are dating. Several may be married now. Dating and many of these potential mixed messages can be confusing and challenging to interpret.

Whatever the pressure, or however gray dating might seem, Song of Songs 8:4 presents a clear command, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” The Message version says it like this, “Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe—and you’re ready (emphasis added).” Love is not something to rush just because you think you are supposed to be dating or married.

Additionally, not every Christian relationship looks the same. There is no cookie-cutter way to date or to pursue relationships. Each individual relationship will look a little different. However, each relationship should have Christ as the center and should follow biblical principles.

If you are discouraged by your current dating situation or lack of it, seek counsel from a couple who is walking with the Lord. I have found that one-on-one mentoring from faithful believers is a great way to wade through any dating confusion or discouragement.

Lastly, spend daily time with the Lord. Ask His guidance and direction for your life. 1 Peter 5:7 says that we can cast our fears on God, because He cares for us. God wants you to communicate with Him about your dating fears, questions, and frustrations. Whether you are already dating, looking to date, or discouraged with dating, God cares. He is looking out for your best interest. He will help you. He is with you.