By Mike Kozlarek
Associate Collegiate Director

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My friend, let’s call him Robb, is a bodyguard for a major church leader who’s frequently in the public eye. For Robb, a former Army MP, landing this job was a huge answer to prayer. The pay is well above what he earned before. He can quit his part-time job at the Italian restaurant and be more available at home; something his wife really wants. A new chance for his career and fresh hope for his marriage.

His dream job. Law enforcement. Field work mixed with Internet research of possible threats. He hasn’t been this motivated in years. He was born for this.

While the job is better than he can imagine, Robb, succumbs to temptation one week. Although the church office’s network has filtered access to the Internet, because his job requires him to frequently visit sites that would be blocked, the filter is not turned on for Robb’s account. He indulges in his secret sin. Several times. The filter doesn’t limit his access. And it was easy – nobody knows.

Or so it seems. The next week his boss lets him know that there is a tracking feature for his Internet account. He has a record of Robb’s visits to illicit sites, which are all violations of the church’s moral purity policy. Robb is stricken and repents deeply. His boss, sensing his sincerity, decides to let this be a warning.

A month later Robb is on the Internet when that longing hits. He succumbs. Just once this time. The pull caught him by surprise – but after a few moments he finds the strength to hit the back button. Knowing he’s blown it, he gathers his courage and goes to his boss to let him know, explaining that it was for a few moments and then he caught himself.

Two days later, Robb’s dream job disappears as fast as that seductive beauty did when he hit the back button. He’s released from his job. The financial squeeze gets worse instead of better. It gets messy.

Giant in the Land

Internet pornography is a modern-day giant in the land. It stalks both men and women, believer and nonbeliever alike. Virtually ALL young male believers and around 30% of young female believers claim to struggle. The giant is not content to distract people; it wants to destroy them. Some estimate that Internet pornography is the seventh largest industry in the US. It’s a big giant.

Bob Reehm, under the dominion of pornography for his first ten years on Navigator staff, tells the story of a double life. He worked harder than any staff man I knew. For years I wondered how he kept up the pace. Today Bob openly admits that much of the ministry he did was to earn acceptance from The Navigators and trying to earn his way out of guilt and shame before God. Performing to earn man’s acceptance and God’s forgiveness. Additionally, rest and inactivity led to porn time, so staying busy was just safer. He knew that theologically this thinking was bogus, but the mind does funny things when you’re under the influence of sin. Today Bob has victory in this battle and is actively helping others gain that same victory.

For many, the main strategy for coping is to keep trying harder. And in the meantime, keep the battle secret, so it won’t damage life and ministry. But hiding a sexual addiction is like closing the door on a flooding basement and hoping there are no consequences. First the furnace quits. Then you lose power to the whole house. Hiding an addiction is a cold and dark endeavor.

To slay the giant, the first step to freedom is counter-intuitive. The thing you fear the most – exposure – is also the best way out. Exposure, getting things into the light. There is good reason that Alcoholics Anonymous encourages people to introduce themself saying, “My name is Greg (or Susan or whoever), and I am an alcoholic.” The way God has wired us, hiding an addiction almost assures you will never be free. It’s only when we’re deeply known, including our deepest struggle and sin, that we begin to find freedom. The first step is to come into the light with your sin.

Once things are in the light, it’s helpful to employ a two-pronged strategy to keep them there. Scissors need both blades to work. You can’t have just a scissor. Likewise in the battle with pornography, there are two blades that need to work together – heart and practice.

Heart

Proverbs 4 calls the heart the wellspring of life. Behavior flows from that wellspring. We therefore need to address issues of the heart; without that, no steps to protect yourself will ever be enough. Dealing with the heart leads to freedom from the desire for porn and the behavior that follows. Addressing the heart heals wounds, disappointments and fears that produce those longings we can’t seem to overcome. And we’re cleansed from guilt and shame, steering us toward holiness. (1 John 1:9) The first blade concerns the why’s of the heart.

The book and ministries listed in the sidebar are good starting places to deal with the heart. Seeking insight from a mentor or counselor will also help. Healing prayer helps too.

Practice

Availability and anonymity, when present, encourage us to flirt with danger. Therefore, the opposite blade of the scissors is equally important – we need to practice healthy, functional boundaries that limit availability and anonymity.

1 Thessalonians 4 tells us to avoid sexual immorality. Ephesians 5 tells us there shouldn’t even be a hint of sexual immorality. My credit union has a partnership with 7-11. I can use their ATMs to make withdrawals and deposits with no fees. Unfortunately, the ATM at the 7-11, which is on my way to work, is right next to the porn rack. One day after glancing and then not turning away, I decided from that day on to drive out of my way to a different 7-11 to avoid the porn.

What’s your weak spot? What in your life hints at sexual immorality? Or worse? And what will you do about it? Friends of mine have tried these boundaries to limit availability:

• Setting up your computer in the dining room, where your spouse or roommate will see
• Canceling certain magazine and/or newspaper subscriptions
• Not using the computer after a certain hour
• Canceling Netflix
• Installing Covenant Eyes

Covenant Eyes can be either a filter or a tracking function or both. It limits availability and eliminates anonymity. It blocks certain sites and your accountability partner is going to know where you’ve been. The tracking feature keeps things in the light. So does finding a friend to directly ask how you’re doing. Another helpful option is to organize a group to talk openly about successes, failures and the heart. And let me say this – vague generalities provide little help. Share details of when, how long, how often and what kinds of porn. Maybe it wasn’t even a porn site – maybe it was a newspaper flyer or Dancing with the Stars. Whenever you fall, put yourself back in the light. Then return to explore the why’s of the heart.

Jesus came to set the prisoner free. Are you in a prison of pornography? Know that Jesus can help, and he wants to help. Take the first step; get into the light. Then with the help of a friend or two, start to address the longings of your heart while simultaneously putting healthy boundaries into practice.

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Mike and his wife, Dana, have served with The Navigators Military Mission, then overseas in Russia, and now with the Collegiate Mission. Mike currently serves as the Associate Collegiate Director. One of Mike’s greatest joys is seeing Christ set young men and women free from wounds, addictions and core lies, liberating them to serve Christ unencumbered with guilt and shame.